Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Sleepy Insight

I've been reading My Stroke Of Insight the past few days. It's one of those books one has a hard time putting down. I'm quite enjoying it.

Often I marvel at how my body works. As I've worked to have a better relationship with my body I've done things like talk to it. After a shower I often thank it from head to toe as I dry off. Everything from being grateful for my feet which have supported my body, my legs for taking me places and on it goes. I try to keep those thoughts in mind on a regular basis.

When I was at my sickest a few years ago, it was a real struggle to be grateful for my body. I felt like it was betraying me. I don't know how it all works, body and mind, but I do remember having a day when I simply told God that I wanted to live. A doctor, who in his wisdom (was absolutely wrong), said I had maybe 10 to 15 years at best, was my impetus to declare, basically, no fucking way. It was his misdiagnosis that prompted me to start looking for life. And I meant it in a way that goes beyond the physical body. It had to do with attitude and outlook on life more than anything. I had no idea what the future held, and never will, but I did know that I wanted to live, really live.

I have no control over whether I get to live a long life. But I do have control over my attitude for the time I do have. And it's always a choice. As life plays itself out I get to choose my attitude towards (especially) the circumstances that are beyond my control. It means being fully human, with all those emotions, and knowing that I'm not alone as I journey. Even when it feels like I've been deserted by God, he is hunkered down beside me, with me, in the circumstance. It means that for those events where it all seems hopeless, there is a God of my own understanding, who will hold out the beacon of hope when I can't grasp hope at all. Thankfully there hasn't been too many of those kind of events in my life. But as I age - and I see every passing year as a privilege - I'm sure there will be more and more of them. Lord have mercy.

Whew - I didn't know I could type anything more than
mindless twitterish drivel at this hour of the day.
Well, this could all be drivel too, seeing how I'm barely awake.
Have a great, hope filled day.


Steve E. said...

Well, after two meetings, I'm home, and starting my day with hope...I mean Hope--you!

Daisy said...

I'm always shocked at the audacity of some doctors to make such "predictions". Then I'm reminded of my own audacity...

The mind/body thing is amazing. I often dream of my niece who has Cerebral Palsy. In the dreams, she is speaking and sometimes walking. In reality, her eyes speak volumes through expression and gazing. She does not walk. But she loves plenty.


Anonymous said...

Not drivel at all! Why would a Dr. tell someone 10-15 years? Good grief! I am so glad you got a second opinion and changed your attitude, too. It could not have been easy. I know three days with the flu and I am so deep in my self pity it is disgusting! I don't know how you did it, but I am glad you did! It really shows your faith and trust in God, not always easy to do, but easy to say to do, eh?

Gabriella Moonlight said...

The connection between mind and body to me is a miracle and I am so glad that you sought out life and continue are an amazing soul in mine!!!