Monday, January 19, 2009

Cracks, Tears and Contests

Well, I lasted until 9:30 or so last night and then went online.
It was either do that or have a cigarette.
Kidding. Kind of.
I've never been a smoker except sometimes when I drank.
Then I could smoke a pack in an evening.
This afternoon I did actually contemplate,
during Mass no less, having a smoke.

I never did have that clear-the-air conversation today
although I tried.
The other person asked me to hold off
until this morning.
So this morning it is.
I'm glad that God gives grace for the situation
not the imagination.
I'm pretty good at blowing things out of proportion.
Blowing things out of proportion takes a lot of energy.
I don't have any to waste on doing that.
Lord have mercy.

I head off to see Fr. Charlie after that conversation.
He's usually finishing up an after lunch
cigarette when I pull up for my session with him.
I thought of phoning him this morning
and asking him to save me a drag or two.
Yah, yah. He smokes.
Don't let that change how you see him.
Sometimes people give him cigarettes as a gift.
Once someone gave him a pack that was too strong.
He tossed it to me to give to youngest son
and said to wish him Happy Easter, or Merry Christmas, or Happy Birthday
while I was at it. I don't remember the occasion.
Youngest son was right pleased with the gift.
All his growing up years we went to a church where drinking, smoking and
premarital sex were the worst sins in the book.
They were the measuring stick by which others could tell
how much you did or didn't loved Jesus.
So it was rather ironic to have a pastor give him a pack of smokes
and wish him well, to boot.
Oh, the pissing contests we have in places
where you can't say the word 'piss' outloud.
I've done it myself many, many times.
Just not standing up.

I've been feeling a bit heart sick lately.
Got a pile of tears bottled up good and tight.
They just about spilled over today at church.
Right when we were gathered around the altar,
holding hands
and saying the Lord's prayer.
There was a little crack in my shield for a moment
and the tears were right ready to have their say.

I know I need a good cry way more
than I'll ever need a cigarette.
Even if it's free.


Anonymous said...

Wow, Father Charlie is a human being. ;) Still sounds like a good guy to me. Plus he shares.

Hope, your writing makes me smile and that is a good thing particularly this early in the morning, particularly on a Monday.


Jim said...

That post I mentioned yesterday is up on my site. When I think of tears, my thoughts go to the woman who washed His feet with them, and those verses in Psalm 56 where the writer asks God to "bottle" his, noting afterward that his tears are noted in God's book, adding also that "When I cry unto Thee, then shall mine enemies turn back: this I know; for God is with me".

daisymarie said...

It wasn't the smoking issue that caught my heart, or even the tears (tho I could use a good cry myself), it was the pissing contest comment. As I sat here that broke my heart, recalling the life sucking, love killing contests that raged in the tiny little churches I was assigned to.

Christy said...

It is hard when others don't want the closure we do.

I'm usually the avoider in life......

Good luck, and remember you can't control others' decisions and you'll find peace anyway.

Cat said...

Sometimes you just have to let the water works flow. For me I feel so clear and open after a good cry.

Gabriella Moonlight said...

You know all you can do is speak your peace honestly and then turn it over to God...which it sounds like where you're at.

Fr.Charlie sounds like a hoot indeed and very human. I saw Fr.Bill here for many years and he always just told me that all I could do is share my truth...and that's it. He too was human.

Good luck many thoughts and prayers are with you.


steveroni said...

Me--I barge right in to "fix" things...and--in 75 years of this--I screw it up, badly, 100% of the time.
That's called ALWAYS!

Hope, you have Prayer Girl's favorite letter, p.

Waiting to read your TEN.

Owen said...

I'll think of you when I light my pipe.

Val said...

I hope things went ok this AM and that your conversation with Fr. Charlie was wonderful and that you've let yourself have a good cry.

Thinking of you.