Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Screaming Nightmares

I had a nightmare while I napped this afternoon.
Narrowly escaping the clutches of a rapist
I raced down several flights of stairs
ending up in the office of someone I thought would save me.
Except he acted like I was not in distress.
Just at the point where either he acknowledged my panic,
tears and fear or
I would start screaming at him
I woke up.
I think it was too traumatic to
deal with the pain
if this person had chosen to ignore my plight.
I'm thankful I woke up before I found out.

My shoulders are too sore for me to sleep.
It's been two months since my last set of injections.
Having them is a little like being in labour.
I grit my teeth and have to be reminded to breathe.
The doctor wiggles the needle around, sometimes hitting the bone
by mistake, until he finds the spot that burns.
Without finding it the medicine is wasted.
In goes the freezing and then comes some blessed relief.
I knew it was time to get them again when I found myself
taking pain killers with my morning meds today.
I've never done that before.
Did I mention that I hate taking pills?

I've forgotten how pain can distort one's perspective.
And how exhausting it can be.
Just typing all this has reminded me
to cut myself some slack.
It's okay to feel whiny.
Pain can do that to a person.
No wonder I ignored my list of simple chores today
and had a nap instead.
Sometimes I get so used to being in pain
I find myself functioning as if I'm not in pain.
I mean, I ignore my body's signals
until it shouts so loud I have to pay attention.

I needed the injections a week after my last set.
The emotional drain of doing the radio documentary
had the effect of escalating pain
as if the injections had never been.
But then I had a few days of relatively little or no pain
and thought I could hold out a little longer.
That's been my reality since the end of April.
A day or two of no pain followed by
unrelenting pain.
Give me a day or two of no pain and
I think I can hold out a little longer.

I wonder if my body ever thinks it's living a nightmare
that it's owner will not acknowledge.
No wonder it's screaming at me.
This morning I made the appointment
to get injections this week.

1 comment:

Heidi Renee said...

I'm so sorry Hope. I know how terrifying those kind of dreams can be.

You're in my prayers, for both the pain, and peaceful, healing sleep.