Two separate counseling sessions, coupled with a pre dawn drive to town, made for a long day yesterday. Good self care was my goal for the day, especially after I opened my journal to realize I hadn't written in it since the kerfuffle with dearest one last week. For me, avoiding my journal writing is the same as avoiding reality. Combine that with one day of no shower, no walk, no getting dressed (not to mention having two meals in a row where one serving of caramel dumplings was the only thing on my menu)and it's a short hop and a skip to the slippery road called relapse.
And I'm so not going down that road.
I processed the day's counseling sessions with dearest one last night. We ended up having a great conversation about where we're at and what's possible for the future. Well, first we had a minor kerfuffle where he tried to put his shit on me and I nearly accepted it as my own. We're both so good at trying to escape responsibility for our actions and usually the other one obliges, taking it on themselves in that moment. After a quarter of a century living in this sick dynamic the flu season is coming to an end. Baby steps toward health are slowly edging it out.
Yesterday my after treatment counselor reminded me that 25 years of behaviour is not going to change overnight.
But change is happening.
And for the ability and grace to go down that road
I am so very grateful.