Sunday, June 17, 2007


I can't seem to put together a coherent post.
I'm not without things to write about.
But, is it worth the energy to write?
My sister tells me my best posts

look flawless.
I tell her it's a 2 to 3 hour

time investment
to make it look that way.
If it ever does.

Here is the short version:

Dearest one resigned from his
answer to prayer job.
Too much stress.
Too many politics.
Too little time.
He is back working night shifts and
hating every minute

of the long drive home afterwards.
Especially after he nearly tangled with a semi
one morning last week driving home.
He's looking at his options.
I hate change.
Well, change I'm not in control of.
It gets complicated because I often

think I'm in control of all change.

Youngest son broke up with
his girlfriend
almost a month ago.
I feel relieved.

I believe that those who
push our buttons
are our greatest teachers.
His girlfriend was one such person to me.
I don't think I learned
what I might have.
But I did learn some.

Fr. Charlie is being transferred
to another parish
many hours away.
I was blissfully unaware, and
absent from church
when this was announced
to our small church community.
Everyone in church ended up in tears,
including Fr. Charlie.
I don't do tears very well in public.
Let me rephrase that.
I don't do tears very well in front of anyone.

The day I last had
I also had freezing at the dentist.
It was too much of a good thing.
I ended up in ER the following day.
The pain was wretched.
All is well.
But it didn't feel that way at the time.

Dearest one threatened to call the ambulance.
The thought of the EMS people

trying to make their way
to my bedroom,

through the mess my house is in,
motivated me last week to use all
my spoons and then some
cleaning it up.
Well, the parts you can see.
I'm not talking about the closet, or bedroom,
the office
or porch
or anything like that.
Living room, kitchen, dining room only.
It's very nice to see clean spaces again.
I just remembered
the parts EMS would have to navigate
are more messy than ever now.
I mean, where do you think all the
I-don't-know-what-to-do-with-it stuff

My intake assessment interview
for rehab
happens this week.
I'm more scared than anything
although I do have moments
of overwhelming gratitude
But they pass.

I suspect that

*hating change I'm not in control of;
*believing those who push our buttons
are our greatest teachers;
*not doing tears well in front of anyone;
*experiencing wretched pain

*cleaning up the mess no one sees
will all be addressed
when I'm in rehab.

Lucky me.


Jim said...

Hope...You seem to see yourself with so many shortcomings. I would say to you: (a) We all, for the most part, live with such a view of ourselves; and that's not so bad unless you allow yourself to be drowned in the truth of it. (b) Whether the long or the short version, I also find in your words a heart capable of accomplishing much through Him. You have an excellent ability to mix heaven, humor, and hope. It's always a good visit here....

Anonymous said...

(((Hope))) And here I've been crying on your shoulder. :( Our journeys are uncannily similar sometimes. At least we still laugh, right?! :)

A Not So Anonymous Friend

bobbie said...

i wish i could fly out and i'll get your closets/space organized! :)

every post - flawless or not still makes me smile. hope we can talk soon. miss you!

Pru said...

Lucky you is right.

It might feel horrible at the time but it'll be good for you.

If you can't tell yourself that thought that's okay. I'll tell you whenever I get the chance.

I love you.

wilsonian said...

That is a lot of loss to deal with all at the same time!

Praying provision for you, Hope. And if you don't mind me saying it (well... I'm going to anyway), you are far stronger than you know. Don't let the spoons measure your strength. They only measure your physicality.

Deb said...

I agree...lucky you IS right! It will all be worth it. It really will.

daisymarie said...

Biggest squeeze~~
That was a magnificent post.
I wish I could offer more than that, my thoughts, and my prayers.

beth said...

I can relate.

And I love this post. Flawless is fine, but real is better.

Praying for you.

Anonymous said...



Hope said...

Thank you for all your generous comments.