Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Bubbles In The Snow

Weird title, eh? Dearest one went to work last night and because of blizzard warnings he stayed in the city today. I am simply bored and more bored. I got the great idea this afternoon to try and blow bubbles out in the snow storm. There's no picture to show you because it would've taken one person to blow bubbles and another to take the photo before the bubbles burst. I tried to do it on my own but had to settle to just enjoy the bubbles myself. It's blizzarding up a storm out there and I'm not sure dearest one will make it home tomorrow either. He just called and said the visibility was nearly zero some places right in the city. Combine that with forecasted windchills of -28C tomorrow and you have a lovely picture of winter up north. It's all iffy enough that dearest one will have to check out road conditions before he buys groceries tomorrow. No point buying them if he can't bring them home.

My appointment with Fr. Charlie was cancelled today because of the weather, too. I did talk with him on the phone for a while and shared the bulk of what's been riding around in my head since our last visit. I came away committed to moving forward even though I'm feeling a bit cranky as to how much work it continues to be. Today is all I need to cope with. I have to remind myself of that on a regular basis. Someone said something that spoke to me at the AA meeting I went to last Saturday and I heard it again in Fr. Charlie's homily on Sunday. I sat in the pew with tears rolling out the corners of my eyes and it was all I could do not to just bury my face in my hands and sob. It was one of those grace moments where I got a glimpse of Truth. And it was scary and a blessing at the same time. We bring ourselves to God as a gift, as we are. And as we are is enough. We can't be anywhere else in this moment. It's food for thought when God is okay with me but I'm not okay with me. Something opened within me this past weekend that makes the idea of being okay with me closer to an ongoing reality than before.

The first time I met with Fr. Charlie for spiritual direction he asked me if I struggled with wearing masks. "Who me? No." was my basic response. In the ensuing 17 months I've had more masks drop off my face than they sell at a costume store. I'm getting close to being willing to walk around as maskless as a healthy person can, but I'm not there yet. And to simply be okay with that is something new for me. I told Fr. Charlie today that I was willing to do whatever I had to in order to speak my truth and be who I am without apology. I told him I just didn't know how to get from here to there. He told me I was already on my way. God, I hate walking blind. That's what this journey feels like sometimes.

There's ham and eggs cooking on the stove top as I type. After I have some supper I'm going to dig out the Spirograph set that I spotted in the cupboard when I dug out the bubbles. When I was in grade three one of my classmates got a Spirograph set from the teacher in our Christmas gift draw. I was as envious as the green ink that came in the set. Several years ago I saw a set at a garage sale and just had to have it. At least with the Spirograph I know where I'm going.
In circles.

12 comments:

sue said...

so if you blow bubbles outside in -28c do they freeze and drop? just curious.

ukok said...

I suspect that many of us wear masks and that we are all in need of spiritual direction, the trick is knowing how to start and where to get it. I'm glad for you that you are nearing the point where you can see that there might be a time when you won't have to be anyone other than you, and when the masks can be put away for dress up parties only.

Hope said...

It wasn't that cold out when I blew the bubbles Sue but I did have to get my face right up to the wand to get a bubble to even form. One time I put my finger through the wand to see if the stuff was frozen in place. I still think a picture of a bubble against a backdrop of snow falling would look cool.

Hope said...

ukok - I so look forward to simply being me and being comfortable with that. Fr. Charlie assures me that is possible so I keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust I'll experience it one day. Thank you for stopping by!

HeyJules said...

Hope, although I love the analogy of you being like the Spirograph I have to disagree that you are only moving in circles. Although it's true - we all do loop back around onto ourselves from time to time, I've seen so much growth in you.

One other thought...

Two circles hooked together makes the sign for eternity. Hook your circle to God's and... :-)

Jennifer said...

I'm always deathly suspicious of poeple who claim they wear no masks. Because, of course, we all do, and it's impossible, nearly, to trust someone who denies it, whether they are fooling themselves or trying to fool us (me). All masks aren't bad, for the record.

And also? I miss snow. Even blizzard snow. :-(

Hope said...

Jules - I actually was meaning the circles of Spirographs literally for once! Even when I feel like I'm going in circles on my journey I trust it's eventually going to be an upward spiral kind of circle. :)

Jennifer - yes, I agree - that's why I clarified that I was willing to be as maskless as a healthy person can be (acknowledging healthy people have some masks) as opposed to my comment to Fr. Charlie 17 months ago when I told him I had no masks. The dropping of masks feels like peeling away layers to find me in there somewher.

ukok said...

Hope, visiting your blog was a pleasure, one I'll be sure to experience more frequently from now on :-)

Anonymous said...

Kinda interesting how those Spirograph circles end up making such pretty designs, eh? Wonder if our going round in circles end up contributing pretty patterns to the "bigger picture".

Hey Hope, we're connected by the same weather pattern. Expecting the blizzard momentarily....

Stay warm,
Mich

daisymarie said...

Being where we are and what we are is gift and enough for God..wow.

I started reading the Velveteen Principles the other day. Are you familiar with the Skin Horse's comments on being real? It's just so struck me as being in harmony with your thoughts here.

onionboy said...

His sheep know his voice...even through the thickness of masks. {smile}

P.S.
Not a flake of snow in my part of Canada.

Jim said...

Have been experiencing difficulties in commenting since swithcing over to Google's take-over of Blogspot. Hope this works and will keep it short till I know it does. Just to let you know I am still reading and enjoying the journey......