Friday, November 10, 2006

The View From Here

Yesterday morning with the windchill factor added the weatherman said it was the equivalent of -34 C outside. We definitely have winter in full force here. That's the view from our deck looking out towards the creek.

A new reader left a comment on the post below this one. Yesterday I just about decided to stop writing on here, convinced it wasn't life giving to anyone, not even me. In the process of changing to beta blogger and categorizing a pile of posts I got to see how I keep going around and around the same subjects. I know this is how the journey works but if I get tired of it I figure you do too. Well, and in the grand scheme of life one less blog really isn't going to matter, I know that.

I will be away for the weekend and am asking regular readers and those who lurk to leave me a 'hi' in the comments. It is so easy to lose perspective and feel like I have been stuck forever or am only taking steps backwards. I can't remember ever being in such a funk. One day I hope to be able to rest in this moment, not worry about the next one and not obsess about the past ones. I'm looking that direction but I'm not there yet.

27 comments:

Jim said...

Funks are normal, my friend. I'm on my 6th year of blogging. My style and my content has changed along the way, but it didn't take long until somewhere back there I began to ask myself "what is there to write that I haven't already said?" What you have to keep reminding yourself is that this isn't about writing for others. This is therapy, relaxation, exercise...for my own brain. It's nice to have others who drop by and visit. I love making friends, even if some disappear as we go. You minister to me, ma'am. You put food on my table and, while each day brings its own circumstances and I may not catch you daily, I do my best to keep up as I can. God is doing a great thing in your life. Hope you decide to stay around......

Duckie said...

Dont think your posts dont help anyone! I need to hear everything that you say :D Have a good weekend.

anj said...

Umm---seems to be you may be going round, but you are doing that in a way that moves you further into Truth. Like jim said, it is for you...and I must admit, I am get fed at times by eavesdropping on your journey. Of course, I have not been as faithful to my blog as jim is to his - this summer I needed an extended time away. The words just would not come. Blessings to you as you listen.

Sue said...

Funny you should say that. I've been feeling the same way, rethinking the whole blogging thing and wondering if it is possible to touch others with my journey. You have touched mine and I thank you for sharing yours. It's so nice to come by for a little 'hope' once and a while.

Captainwow said...

HI!!!!:: waves::

FYI: sometimes I only read from bloglines... so I don't actually click on your blog. But I'm still reading... I suspect others do the same?

lurking more than commenting.

pls let us know how you like the beta. how did the switch go?
I've been to chicken to try it.

Anonymous said...

Hope,

Don't give in to the despair. Your are loved right where you are. Even if you stop blogging :).

You would be greatly missed. Yours is one of only 3 or 4 that I spend any time to read at all. Thank you and may you know our Abba truly.


-ddw

Pru said...

Like ddw said - yours is one of only three or four that I take the time to read. Often I don't comment, because I need time to process sometimes...you know how I am. But I read every post you create. I can see how you might feel you are going in circles, but that is how the human journey is, Mom. People are cycular beings. We, reading, understand that, and are relieved that we aren't alone in experiencing of the curvy path.

(Apparently cycular is not a word - but I can't think of the word that means we move in cycles, so that is what I'll use. If Shakespeare can make up words, than so can I.)

On a more superficial note, I too am curious as to whether the switch to beta is worth the leap of faith.

I love you very much.

This thing isn't letting me post this commment, so hopefully I haven't just posted it ad infinitum. Ah well.

Being Made said...

Every day that I read here challenges me, or encourages me, or presses me closer to truth in some way.

Do what you need to do with this blog... but know that you DO touch people with your honesty and willingness to do this journey. Probably many, many more than you think. Scores more than comment.

(plus, I mean.... if ddw and pru both read regularly, we KNOW it's gotta be good.)

love you.

A said...

Hi Hope.
I am with you sister, with prayers (though I may not say it and you may not always know it) and presence for your journey.

Anonymous said...

When I read your last blog, the other day, I was torn about posting. You dislodged something in me that made me start to cry and that was something I was trying not to do. I wanted to stay angry; you know that safe dark pit you described? I'm well acquainted with it myself. Your blog gave words to what I was feeling and how I was behaving. And then I was able to talk about it myself. Actually, your blog inadvertently unlocked a door.

Strangely enough, I've been hesistant to comment because I was feeling as though you must be tired of reading my same old boring comments.

I love the word that pru invented; "cycular" says so much in describing this human journey. The image I got was of a spiral but an upside down spiral that's pointing up like a mountain peak. If you build a wheelchair ramp with too steep a grade, it is really really hard to get up (especially in the winter). I get the sense that we do revisit stuff but everytime the perspective is a little different. And maybe it feels like we're not moving, but I think we are very slowly moving up.

I so very much appreciate reading this blog. Your heart is felt here.
Mich

Jackie said...

HI!!!

Hope I have been reading almost every day for about a year now. It's not often that I come here and don't leave changed.

Please don't leave us!!

Anonymous said...

Hey dear Hope, know that I am still reading.. never did stopped despite work being busier these days and I am not reading so regularly. Nevertheless I am still enjoying being part of your journey. The gift you give to me is your "realness" and courage to continue on the journey.

Thank you. :)

Gerry

P.S hope to hear from you soon

jannie_b said...

I'm here regularly, but I don't know that I've ever left a comment. I often take away things to think about and I learn from your perspective.

Peace.

Janet in GA

Trish said...

Hi from Trish :)

cindy said...

still reading. peace

Jennifer said...

Hope, I'm here most everyday. The only reason I don't comment more often is because sometimes you seem so deep into figuring something out, there are few words I can add to your process without tripping the balance. I ALWAYS want to throw you words of support, and friendship, because I am so impressed with your journey and the struggle you are waging so fervently and bravely, but often my words seem superfluous.

I see giant steps in you all the time. Even when you slip backwards, you are aware of it, and that is progress all its own. I have nothing but admiration for and faith in you.

And I'm always here.

I hope you'll decide it's a safe place for you to stay, as well.

Anonymous said...

Here is another "Hi"
I read every time I turn on the computer. I think sometimes I don't comment because I am afraid it will make me get real too... and I don't know if I have that much courage right now. Love you my yaya... always have...always will...
T

Karen Marie Knapp said...

Do take courage, dear Hope. I know I appreciate your posts.

dawna said...

hi hope,

you already know how much i liked the prayer you posted not too long ago, and well, i just read the first chapter of the online book you recommended. if i had it in hard copy, it would be coming up to bed with me right now. but since it's now 3am, i think i just settle for waiting until tomorrow to read more. for the record, yes i do lurk here quite a bit, but please know that your posts are not made in vain. thanks for sharing.

bobbie said...

oh i'm so glad to see the love here!

please don't go away!

HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHO!!!!!!

i love you, hate funk too, and am praying it will pass!

A. Noël said...

It is in the nature of blogging to repeat, whether it's one's own patterns, or echoing what others have said in one's own words. For example:

I think you need to do what's best for you. Take a break from blogging for a while, if you want. Or not. It is, entirely, up to you.

Whether or not what you write is of value to others is their decision, not your responsibility.

I agree that we go through cycles. To look at, then show, one's self is a key part of recovery. Writing my blog, and the responses of readers, helps to heal me. Sometimes what I write is helpful to others. But, for everyone who's commented, there may have been a hundred who read two sentences, rolled their eyes at my self-indulgent twaddle, and moved on. God bless them!

Sometimes things we post on a blog are unexpectedly helpful to others. Like the link to the book which you posted the other day: that book is life changing for me. It's one of the most valuable things I've ever read. I would never have found it on my own.

I've been in recovery for 17 years, Hope. I will never be done. Your blog is important to me because you so accurately chronicle the journey and the attendant frustrations. How many times I've had to approach some of my worst bits over and over again, each time coming at the issue from a slightly different direction, hopefully a little less obliquely than before, depending on my courage at the moment. I'm never going to be finished, and it's disheartening at times, not to mention scary, when my issues threaten my ability to make choices. My heart aches for you when you express that kind of feeling. Know that your honest sharing of your struggles helps those of us in the same tediously wearisome spot.

If you step back, Hope, and look over the last few years, you will see progress. I think all of us in recovery are liable to bouts of perfectionism. We want the process to go like cleaning out a nasty closet - drag it all out, wash down the shelves, donate the excess, repack tidily, done - right?

Ha!! I wish.

All the preceding a very long way to say I am grateful for whatever you're willing to share, Hope. Your unfolding story has encouraged me as mine takes shape. So long as this blog is a way for you to take care of yourself, I hope you will want to continue it. My prayers are with you, regardless.

You see? Nothing new there that everyone else hasn't already said, only they did it a LOT more succinctly! But I'm not going to indulge my inner perfectionist and edit it, so - if you haven't already - roll your eyes and move on! ;)

Fish said...

Hey there, Don't comment much, but i'm reading and I understand the 'funk' very well.

onionboy said...

jim said it very well in the very first comment. I add my Amen.

As for myself, I have finally arrived at the place where I blog what I want, because I want. It's been freeing and with it has come an increase in the amount of art I am making {and posting}. You are loved and I am sure you see that.

Oh, and to tell you that in my part of Canada Friday was warm and sunny. We are still snowless and I am biking to work. Peace to you.

Owen
onionboy.ca
luminousmiseries.ca

gracie said...

Hope... your very name speaks volumes to me on dark days. You are not alone but surrounded by a cloud of witnesses, hedged by the prayers of those who struggle as you do.

Keep sharing your heart. It is heard.

~m2~ said...

(((hope))) just felt like giving you a hug.

pen

Anonymous said...

hello... thanks for writing! i enjoy reading.

blessings to you this day.
-m

Anonymous said...

Hope,
Please keep bloging. I read you almost every day and rarely make a commet.