Monday, October 16, 2006


I'm having a hard time accepting where I'm at in my journey right now. I feel all too familiar with this frozen/walls up state of being. It's a fight to keep on putting one hopeful foot in front of another. I just want to be free of the struggle. And I can't seem to make that happen. I can want it. I can long for it. Knowing what it felt like once to be without these self made walls makes me hope for it to happen again. Hope for it to one day be the norm rather than the exception. Yet here I am with walls up and no map as to how to get them down again. So I wait and hope that what I can't seem to do on my own, God will. And the waiting seems like the hardest work there is.

Writing it all down without judging myself for where I am at, is hard. I feel like a drama queen on a pity pot. And I hate it. And I want to pretend I am somewhere else on the journey.

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