Saturday, September 23, 2006

Stinkin' Thinkin'

I feel like I've got my head screwed on straight again. What a relief. I went to my AA meeting this morning and, in the companionship of others on this journey, I found the encouragement, strength and hope to move forward.

They say that it's 15% about drinking and the remaining 85% about drinking. Funny how we think that stopping the drinking will take care of the rest but it's only the beginning. I have many years of doing next to nothing about my thinking.

Last night I got pissy with someone. Pissy enough that I knew I had to pick up the phone and make an amend to them before I went to bed. I determined I would state my thoughts to them today about the situation without drama and with clarity. What fun. I managed the clarity with a good dose of drama queen behaviour added in. Eventually I was able to tell the other person I needed to talk about the situation another time when my emotions were not running the show. I got off the phone and realized I had a resentment about not only this situation but about a whole slew of things related to it. Great. I started to beat myself up about it. Telling myself I had learned absolutely zip about recovery or else I wouldn't be acting like I was. Then I realized beating myself up was not accomplishing anything. So I stopped. I asked myself what I could be grateful for in the situation. And I found gratitude for recognizing the resentment and recognizing I needed to take care of it. It takes too much energy to carry resentments in my heart. Before returning to AA (in June) I doubt I would've recognized either. I would have milked that baby resentment right into a teenage size one with glee.

And so I went to my meeting and shared the whole story. The realization that I can't afford to carry resentments around with me because the carrying of them will lead me to act out in a way that is damaging to myself. And at that point all I was ready to do was ask God for help in letting it go because on my own I still wanted to feed it a little bit longer. And I found nods of understanding around the table and an acceptance that helped me accept myself for where I was at. What a gift.

I reached out in different ways this week to help me with other areas. I emailed someone about the sugar sensitivity issues in my life. At their suggestion, I then joined an online group for support. Being back in AA has taught me that I need to reach out and do something if I want change to happen in my life. It's not going to come find me, unless it deteriorates into such a mess that it involves other people. God's helping me reach out before I sink that far. I am grateful.

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