"I want what I want when I want it." I read this sentence in a book the other day and laughed out loud. Yep, that about sums it up for me.
I am learning what it feels like to live this journey one day at a time. Numbing my feelings whenever I want to is still scratching at the door most of the day. Learning to sit with my feelings and feel them is a bit like saying yes, I'll not only have a helping of pain, I'll take a second helping too, if you please. It's enough to make me into a screaming ninny.
But here I am. Learning what it is to not give in to my wants of distraction as they rise. Learning to cry out to God for help. Learning to name outloud the ways I want to numb my feelings and asking God for the grace to resist. Learning to ask why I want to numb them and what is that feeling that would like to rise to the surface and be honoured instead of shoved down in the darkness and shamed.
When I look back over this season of Lent I am humbled that the journey of being aware of my weaknesses has brought me to this place. One of being okay with me as I acknowledge, embrace and lift to the Light the things that hound me most. Only by God's grace. Not on my own strength. If there was a way to give into all the distractions that are my pleasures and still have peace I'd do it in a heartbeat. I know this about myself. But I also know it is not a journey of perfection but a journey of progress.