The only thing I could think of to do with all the turmoil and ensuing sin in my life was to go to Mass and ask for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Left to my own devices I was spiralling downwards fast. There are just so many avenues of distraction I can go down before I know I risk descending into a despair that I may never pull out of.
It never fails that when I get to this point of desperation the readings etc. for the Mass undo me. Last night was no different. I was in tears before the opening prayer was over. Here is the sentence that started the tears: "Give us the grace to rise above our human weakness." God knows how weak I am.
The first reading was about returning to the Lord. From Hosea 14 came these words: you have collpased through your guilt.. and further down: "I will heal their defection, says the Lord, I will love them freely;" The responsorial Psalm response was: "I am the Lord your God: hear my voice."
At about this point in the Mass the words of a song came into my head: " Turn back to me with all your heart; don't let fear keep us apart. Long have I waited for your coming me back to me and living deeply our new life."
So off to confession I go after Mass. Sometimes confession feels like a puke fest. But just like after a real puke fest a person feels better so did I feel better after receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Today I can hold my head up once again and face life. Face myself. Hope has been renewed.