Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Now, Where Was I?

Picture being in a house with lots of windows and running around like a madwoman trying to shut them all as fast as you can. You can hear the thunder in the distance and know there is a storm coming. Every window has a shutter on the inside and you hasten to bolt them closed. There, you get them all shut and you sit down in a chair gasping for breath, but feeling safe. What have you just shut out? Hearing the Truth. You wanted to be in a place where you felt safe and secure. Unfortunately that safe place is one that leaves you comfy in your false beliefs. It also means you are alone. Fingers in your ears to shut out the sound of the storm you repeat loudly, "La-la-la-la" over and over again.

Now try being on a long road trip shut up in a vehicle with your loved one. Hearing things about yourself that have such a ring of truth to them you contemplate throwing open the door and jumping rather than facing reality.

That about sums up my weekend. Yes, the conversation took place in the van. Thank God it was parked and shut off when the talking started. My husband has been asleep in some ways for most of our marriage. He has woken up now. He has found his voice. This is good news. This is bad news. It all depends on your perspective. He is seeing some things clearly. I am scared shitless. As one who has always had the upper hand I can now choose to either open the windows and look out to see him on the level or be (together)alone.

For the umpteenth time I find I am not where I thought I was on the journey.

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