I'm sitting here thinking about how I welcome change in my life but I don't want it to cost me anything. My friend who died recently - I wanted her to be free of pain but I didn't want her to have to die for that to happen. My son is moving out in a few weeks and I want him to move into the adult part of life but I don't necessarily want him to move out for that to happen. I want to continue to lose weight(35 pounds so far this year!) but I don't always want to have to make healthy choices for that to happen. I want to have my cake and eat it too in most every phase of life.
One of the questions my spiritual director asked me the other day was how I saw my friend's death relating to the suffering Christ went through. I hate that question. I told him that I can fathom it in my head(maybe) but not my heart. That I hear people talk about the sacrifice Christ made for them but it just doesn't register on my radar screen. I've seen people get weepy about it but I sit there and don't comprehend it one bit. I told him I felt guilty being honest with him. I can't believe how badly I still want that non-existent Christian of the Year medal and what I think are the requirements to get it.
There are so many things I just don't get in this life and while there is a part of me that knows somehow that it is a good thing - maybe even a mark of growing maturity to be more comfortable with that reality, there is also this part of me that wants all the answers now. I am really looking foreward to the day when I embrace ambiguity fully.