Monday, June 06, 2005

Sandpapering the Soul

I want a beautiful countenance. I think of all the elderly women in my family and how none have had that countenance that speaks of wisdom and grace and love....the kind that makes a person know they have endured to the end and come out of it a better person. A softer person. A more graceful person. I think of my son's girlfriend and how she is scared of me. I wish I had the kind of countenance/spirit that put her at ease. The kind that said, "You are loved, as is." I'm not there yet. It is my prayer that I have that kind of beauty one day.

I wish I could make my countenance into that which I want it to be. I am not talking physical beauty here. That is something I am learning to let go of. I no longer obsess about the physcial. Does that mean I wish I had more cellulite or more wrinkles or grey hairs? How about more sag to the body? Nope. But I have come to somewhat more of an acceptance of what it means to grow older. This old bod IS going to give out one day. It's the stuff behind the beautiful countenance that lives forever.

I think of Jesus being a carpenter's son here on earth and how some days it feels like Jesus is chafing at my soul. While being rubbed hard by this thing called life I am getting my soul sandpapered.

Every so often I come across one of those women whose face has been softened instead of hardened by life. For some reason their actual physical beauty or lack of it plays not one bit into how beautiful they are. If God truly grants the desires of the heart then that is what my heart desires. No doubt that means there is more sandpapering yet to come.

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