Friday, June 03, 2005

Reality Check

Today was one of those no spoons days. I hate them. I need to accept them. I don't know how. I am open to suggestions from those of you who have learned to deal with a chronic illness.

Yesterday I spent a good part of the day riding the lawn mower, cutting the grass. It was great. One of my favourite jobs. As I was riding along I thought to myself, "I must be getting better." In all this time(7 months post diagnosis)I haven't yet accepted that those days are almost always followed by a "no spoons day". Last night I went up and down a friend's stairs twice and I thought to myself, "I must be getting better." I woke up this morning intent on mowing the rest of the yard only to find out I was so out of spoons that I couldn't walk and talk at the same time, let alone steer the lawn mower around and around the yard. Shit. There I was in the midst of all my lovely violets wishing I had a chair to sit on so I could at least talk.

Tonight my husband and I went for a drive - a chance to talk about life and where we are at. It is not often I am open - truly open - to hearing how he sees things in my life. I can put up a wall so fast to protect myself it isn't even funny. Tonight we talked about my self absorption - a common reaction to being diagnosed with a chronic illness and how he sees my lack of acceptance of it as being a big stumbling block right now. That my stubborness in accepting my limitations is using up energy I don't have to spare. He told me all the willpower in the world is not going to make all this go away. My genetics are not going to change. My reality is my reality and accepting it can only be a good thing. This kind of talk always ends up with me in tears. When he told me that the reality is that I may never play another game of baseball(man can I hit the ball!) with my kids I teared up. I don't know who it is that I want to prove it to that I can and I will but accepting it as reality - boy everything in my being just shouts, "no way!"

But this is getting to be an all too familiar cycle. I have a good day or series of good days and I think I am getting better. I have close to normal days but eventually all the activities of the good day(s) catch up to me and I feel like I am blindsided by my lack of spoons. Maybe I am still in a mourning process. I want what I had back and the reality is it is never coming back unless God does a miracle. It's one thing to be able to spend the day reading to my heart's content,it's another to be forced to because that is all I have the energy for.

Man, I feel like I am sounding so ungrateful. I hate it that being honest makes me feel ungrateful. Anyway, I am open to suggestions.

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