Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Static Electricity

Sleep deprivation and hormonal hell probably are good indicators that blogging should be bypassed until normalcy returns. Boy, I am in a bad head space. I know it is temporary and totally normal. I want it to be gone. But there is something intriguing to me when I get into this mental space. I want to pick apart my thoughts like they are layers of cotton batting. To see what truth there is to be found. Sometimes when I find truth in the layers I jump as if there was static electricity between Truth and my finger.

Last week when the memories of the rape were triggered I froze inside. Hunkered down to protect myself. I wanted to make myself very small while yelling to the world that I count. I'm here but don't notice me. I have looked at what happened to me in as objective a manner as possible. I can identify how it scarred me. I just had no idea there was such power still - that something could be triggered down at some gut level that has me instinctively protecting myself regardless of what my mind tells me.

No wonder I am having chunks of time these past few days when I wildly grasp at control of my whole world. I've been so mad that everyone in my world is not cooperating with my need for control. I want to feel safe again. I want to hurry the process. I don't want to go through it. I want to bypass the hard work that will bring deeper healing. I want to arrive at the end of it without feeling anything. I don't think it is going to work that way. Darn. I think I just got a jolt of electricity.

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